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God_Chaser
Advanced Member
USA
75 Posts |
 Posted - March 05 2003 : 12:19:39 PM
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If getting sober and remaining sober was about what I liked I never would have made it a single day let alone almost 21 years.
I arrived in AA distitute, depressed and desondent and that was after 21 days detoxing and another 40 days in rehab. I was scared I was just shy of 21, prohibited from returning to New Jersey and amond strangers....who were very strange.
I didn't like praying, I didn't like the freindliness, the demonstrations of affection, the insistence on participation, people knowing my business, people talking so freely to me. I didn't like what was said to me, how it was said and I didn't like the people who said it. I didn't like anyone! How could I? I didn't like myself, I didn't respect myself, I had no self esteem...because I had never done anything esteemable. I was a junkie, a thief, an alcoholic who preyed on people more vulnerable than myself.
I was always getting angry, resentful and intolerant. I cursed at people who offended me and everyone offended me. I stormed out of meetings, shouting F*** This, F*** That, F*** You!
People loved me anyway! I couldn't enter an AA's house without checking their medicine cabinet for goodies. I insulted them, I stole their treasury after they trusted me to protect it. Still They Loved Me, and searched to mention my progress!
They invited me to join them when they went places and I either denied the invite, showed up late or left without a word.
I drew bullseyes on their foreheads in my mind during meetings, I took their inventory when they got up to get coffee, I gossipped and slandered them....still they loved me.
They told me things about myself without my permission and I attacked them. I prayed for them to drink and worse. I shoplifted and peeked in windows....and they loved me!
I hated them with everything in me trying to prove how unlovable I was and still they loved me....they welcomed me. They sought me out to include me. They told me the truth and allowed me to hate them long enough to realize they loved me.
They sat with me, spoke with me, held me and cried with me. They heard my confessions of shame, doubt, fear, insecurity...they listened to my secrets and didn't reveal them....
If it had been about me liking what happened I never would have made it. If my feelings and thoughts were more important than the truth I heard from them I never would have made it....
If my getting sober depended on them liking me I would have been absolutely screwed. They were willing to look past my twisted, damaged and demoralized personality, they loved me by practicing principles. They loved me like God loved them. They forgave me as they had been forgiven.
I am forever grateful that they loved me inspite of me. I am grateful they rose to the challenge of loving the unlovable, and taught the unteachable.
I never would've made it a day if were about what we liked!
Michael
"In hoc cognoscent omnes quia mei estis discipuli si dilectionem habueritis ad invicem."
Thomas Merton
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deleted
514 Posts |
Posted - March 06 2003 : 1:17:21 PM
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Thanks for sharing that Michael. And inspite of yourself, you managed to stay clean and sober, one day at a time. Funny how I can identify and relate. Maybe it's because I am an alcoholic and an addict and I too had the same feelings. And isn't this what it is all about. Allowing myself to feel those feelings and doing what ever it may take, what ever it may take. As long as I'm not taking a drink or a drug.
Ya, they loved me, inspite of myself, even when I couldn't see anything about me to love, except the fact that I am just like them. And they loved me until I could learn to like myself enough to know who and what I am, and that I belonged.
Damn grateful for the Fellowship and the Program of A.A.
Harry
What I am is God's gift to me.
What I make of myself, is my gift to Him.
Edited by - Harry on March 06 2003 1:19:43 PM |
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Samf
Advanced Member
USA
447 Posts |
Posted - March 06 2003 : 5:13:25 PM
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I've had people love me like that. At first, it wasn't AA, in my case. I just couldn't relate to those alkies, I thought. And they scared me, for some reason. They would come into the jail and the prison, and NA, too...but I couldn't handle it.
I did go to shrinks and was practically forced into counseling, volunteered for a TC, and talked much to religious volunteers whom I learned to trust, a little at a time.
When people used to hug me, I would stiffen up, and push away. Finally, I got better. I would stay stiff, and pat them awkwardly on the back, like ok...now, let me go.
I liked the comfort of some stories in the Bible. I liked the love from some of the people. But I was scared of them.
At one point, I just wanted to die.
I also thought that I would never get over my guilt...well, it's a long story.
When I finally do get to AA, I find that same kind of love, and a degree of honesty I was ready and open to, by then. It didn't scare me, as much. By then, I just wanted whatever they had. They seemed so much more spiritual than I had ever been. They seemed so happy. They laughed at things that used to seem so tragic.
And they really, really extended themselves for me.
I keep looking to see what they wanted, but they told me I just didn't get it.
Hm...If everything were based on what I like, I would not be sober today, either. I don't like telling the truth, to this day.
I don't like even attempting to be unselfish, to this day.
I still have an image of what I would like people to think that I am, and what I know I really am. My stage character is still there.
Life doesn't always go my way.
Not all my prayers get answered.
But, that's ok.
And I don't understand God, either. But, THAT'S ok. I have learned that He does a much better job with my life than I do...even though I still assert my own will, at times. Even though I may pout. Even though I may feel lost, alone and hurt and confused. In the middle of it all, if you can believe it, and even if you can't, there is a sense of peace.
because I don't believe my HP will ever let me go. I see my HP rescued me.
And I'm grateful
Just my thoughts.
Sammie
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If Everything Were Based On What I Like
