| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Guilty Spark |
Posted - May 30 2006 : 01:42:56 AM
Here's my situation:
I've got over 7 years clean and sober. I moved across the country (U.S.) 3 years ago, leaving all my friends (who were all in recovery) and since I've been here, I've become increasingly complacent. My meeting attendance has dropped to about once a month (if that) and I've not talked to a sponsor in over 2 years. I've been working on my 7th step now for about 4 years (which probably isn't the best step to stall on). Basically, every aspect of my recovery has been completely stalled. I hardly ever even think about recovery anymore until times like this when life knocks on the door and I begin to feel pain again.
It's been creeping up on me for some time now and yesterday I snapped at work and started throwing **** around because work wasn't going my way and today I got rejected from a relationship that I've tried to rush into as if it's going to solve my problems and now I'm sitting here hurting again.
The worse thing is that this has become a vicious cycle. For the past 3 years: I'll stop going to meetings (and, consequently, everything else in recovery), feel pain, go back to meetings, whine, feel better, and then stop going to meetings. I get tired of going back to the meetings and whining because I...well...because of fear and pride most likely. I hate going back again and telling the same story I've told before. I feel like such a faker because I know this cycle will happen again and that the people around the tables will watch me dissappear once again, only to reappear when life kicks my ass again.
What is the answer to complacency? I don't know. I don't have the answer. I just know that I'm on a downward spiral and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I've heard it said that complacency is the killer of old-timers and I believe it because I've been around long enough to see it kill off a few. And now here I am, one of the complacent guys with time and I keep wondering how many more of these cycles I've got before it kills me.
I'm not really looking for an answer here. Well, that might not be entirely true. Truthfully, I don't know what I'm looking for. I just pray that I find the perseverance or serenity or humility or whatever it is that I need to get me out of this complacent cycle I'm in. Maybe I need to stop seeking the answer like it's a drug instead of the spiritual process that it is.
I guess I'm grateful I'm still clean because I'm just as close to relapse as anyone here. |
|
|
