| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| journeytoserenity |
Posted - November 03 2002 : 11:23:49 PM
I'm Vicki and I am an alcoholic. I've been clean and sober since 8-18-89 and I'm totally amazed!! I figure that as long as I remain AMAZED that I will be able to stay grateful - and never forget what it was like, what happened, and what I am trying to be like today.
It's funny but I seem to have had all the "isms" way before I ever took my first drink. I was a child who was much "older" than my years. I liked to spend time with myself, away from others. And, being the oldest - and only girl with 3 brothers - I spent time helping with the housework and looking after my little brothers. My grand mom said she could remember me being around 8 - 9 yrs old and reading the paper while at the park with my brothers. We moved ALOT when I was a kid and don't have a clue of how to relate to people who have "childhood" friends into adulthood. I suppose it had its advantages, but it had its disadvantages, too.
My father had very STRICT guidelines that had to be followed. No dating, no being away from home too long. By the time I turned 18, I was ready to get out - and I did. I didn't start drinking until then. My very first drunk, I remember well...my best friend and I drank a fifth of bourbon. God, I hate bourbon to this day!! But I loved the way it made me feel - FREE!!!!
I joined the Navy that year - 1972 and went off to become a Hospital Corpsman. I was doing great in school and knew I had found myself, at last. I, also, found that the only thing to do for recreation on base was to drink - which I did very well, thank you!! I found drugs in Great Lakes, too, and soon found myself under investigation for selling them on the base. Needless to say, I did not finish my term in the Navy. They wanted me gone and so it was...the first consequence of my drinking and drugging.
So, I ended up in Pa....the York, Harrisburg, Lancaster area. It was where I started my long resume of assorted jobs. It was beautiful country and full of people my age that loved to drink and get high with nature. It was where I also started realizing that I had a problem. Everywhere I went - I drank...I got high. Alcohol, pot, pills, acid, whatever was readily available I would use. Like I had a death wish. You had a pill and I'd test it out for ya! I have overdosed 2 times - once coming to outside the emergency room with them trying to take me inside. I, of course, managed to fight them off and would not go inside. Though, the medical staff tried to get me to.
As time progressed, I found myself involved in things that caused me a great deal of pain and self-hate - both while I was out there and in my sobriety. My friends were thieves, prostitutes, and murderers. They lived life on the edge and they made me feel like I belonged. You name it - I have pretty much done it. Then, in early 1980, a "hanging" buddy of mine was murdered. I found myself in a situation that I thought only happened in movies - under investigation by the police, and under serious scrutiny by my "friends". It was a situation that continued to haunt me for 15 years..5 years sober..
You would think a person would clean up their act after events such as this. But I continued to drink and do drugs for 9 more years. But, now, it was with a vengeance!! Because of the connection to an unsolved murder of my friend, I developed an even harder exterior. I had, what I call today, my "$2 stare"...people didn't mess with me and I was sure it was my "tough" exterior. I found out, after I sobered up, it was because they thought I had killed someone!!!! I, also, found out that - in my own mind - I held MYSELF responsible for the death of my friend.
I, finally, "graduated" to shooting speed in 1987 and it was the beginning of the end for me......actually, the beginning of the end was many years before this....I just didn't know it. God has always put wonderful people into my life. I could just never see that before either.. And, it took me many years of suffering - in and out of AA - before I was able to finally see.
I went to "treatment" in 1988, but that was a joke. I didn't drink or do any street drugs - but I was going thru 2 packs of over the counter sleeping pills every 3 days. Not so I could sleep, but so I could get thru the day and not have to feel. So, I decided that I couldn't afford to continue treatment. I mean, Christmas was coming and I needed the $$ for more important things, you know?? LOL
I soon found myself strung out on speed and alcohol to the point of not leaving my house. Hell, I wouldn't leave my bedroom!!! Some - real - friends called the treatment center I was at the year before. They took me in to see the counselor I knew from when I was there. She told me she didn't think their Outpatient program could help me. That I needed more than that. We searched and searched for some intensive detox and treatment, but could find no help for someone without money to pay or insurance. The damnest thing is - to want help and not being about to get it - unless I wanted to get arrested (probably several times) and go thru Criminal Justice. So, I went back to that OP treatment program. I didn't know where else to go! And they reconsidered and decided to see what they could do. I had even gone to the emergency room at the county hospital....to be told I didn't have a problem! I was just "upset about a breakup and job loss"..... God, was I angry!!!!!
Sense this seems to be a long story, I will try to shorten it by just saying that I spent 6 months in intensive OP and another year going to aftercare - by choice. They harped on us about AA and I was pretty anti-social by this time and had NO intention of going to any dam AA meetings. I don't remember the exact turn of events, but remember the day I walked into the office building where these f***ing meetings were. I was looking on the registry to find the
room number, when the woman yelled down the hall to me and said, at the top of her voice, "You looking for AA??" Can't quite find the words to express the feelings going thru me when she did this. But, by the time I left that day, she was my sponsor!!
I did just about everything they told me NOT to do in AA. Except I did not drink or use any drugs. I got involved....working the steps, meeting with my sponsor weekly, and at about 6 months sober - chairing meetings. I continued this until I was in my 5th year. Doing ALL I was asked to do in the way of program "work"....but I was dying inside and found myself in a psych hospital - totally suicidal - with 4 1/2 yrs sober!! The time had come for me to really face my past and deal with some "demons" that were slowly killing me - in sobriety!
It's funny but - at 4 1/2 years sober - memories of things started coming back with a vengeance! Something like the "more will be revealed" thing, you know?? Because of the nature of these memories, I started having a hard time recognizing what was real...and what wasn't. I couldn't sleep because of the dreams. I couldn't work because of the imagines constantly invading my every waking moment. I spent 16 weeks at that hospital. Doing some of the most intensive therapy anyone can possibly do......before I finally started to deal with it all.
I know today how grateful I am from AA, the therapy, it all!! Without AA - I never could have made it thru the therapy.....without therapy - I never would have made it in AA!!! I am convinced that drugs and alcohol kept me alive all those years. Without them, even doing everything in AA, I was closer to killing myself than I had ever been. I could not come to terms with some things from my past. Even the steps could only do so much for me concerning the demons I had to face. I was diagnosed not only alcoholic/addict but with clinical depression, anxiety disorder, and PTSD. It took another year of intensive therapy, medication, AND AA to - finally - become free of the things that had been holding me prisoner.
Today?? Well, I am amazed!!!! My entire life has changed and I am blessed with having a profession that enables me to work with others who are trying to get clean and sober. I have a peace that I never before knew could be possible. As I write this....a lot of emotions have come up. It's as if I have been born again and am living my second life within my lifetime.
This is why I say so very often.....No matter what - DO NOT give up!! The rest of your life - a life you NEVER thought possible - is just on the other side.....of yourself!! You see, nothing in my life or sobriety, started to really change until I got out of God's way!!!
Thanks for letting me share!!
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"We see things NOT as THEY are - but as WE are."
"If you keep thinking things are going to be bad, you stand a good chance at becoming a Prophet." |
| 2 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Samf |
Posted - January 19 2003 : 10:25:43 PM
God, Viki!!
Thank you!
I could relate to so much of your story!!
Am grateful to know you!
Thank you for sharing it!
Love ya!!
Sammie
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| journeytoserenity |
Posted - January 19 2003 : 12:31:36 PM
bump....
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"We see things NOT as THEY are - but as WE are."
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